Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
