I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
