I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
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