i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
