the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
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