I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
