I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
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