Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
