last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize