The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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