i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Randomize