My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
