There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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