He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
