A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
