I'm going to jail i love you
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
I AM VODKA MAN
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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