I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
