i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
