Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
