i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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