at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
a girl in my class is on a twilight fan site and running her fingers on the screen as edwards body comes up.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
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