I'm laying in your front yard are you home
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
