If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Randomize
