I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
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