You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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