he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Randomize
