Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
