He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
You dont lie about slip and slides
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Randomize