happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
