need another drink. this is the easiest way
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Randomize
