then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Randomize
