toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
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