Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
Edward fifth and chaser hands
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
