i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Randomize
