life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Randomize
