ok 1 i realized people actually live in central wisconsin and 2 culvers could be a good place to pick up chicks today
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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