Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Randomize
