i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Is it bad that everytime I read or hear "Woo Hoo" I immediately think of sex because of The Sims?
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
She made me pour olive oil on her.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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