i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
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