I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Randomize
