her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Randomize
