also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
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