wat bout pragnant strippers??
So pretty much, I was trying to piece last night together and remembered a point where I was pointing to you heart then touching your face. I'm not sure that I ever translated that to "I like your personality better than your looks" but that's what I meant
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
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