he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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