He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
