Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
