He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Randomize
