he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
