And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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