Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
