Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
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