I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Randomize
