Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Randomize
