soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
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