i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Randomize
