i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
