He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
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