theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
