i may or may not be watching the land before time
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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