I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
