Who wears a wallet chain?!
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
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